I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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