Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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