I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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