The best revenge is premature balding
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
