he referred to my room as the tit cave...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
