I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
