You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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