I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
