I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
