I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
