remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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