No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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