My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
