Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
being pregnant is like rehab
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
