this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
