I'm gonna have a badass scar
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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