I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
