Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
