Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
