Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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