Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
