i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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