Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
