he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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