She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
