I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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