I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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