Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
