Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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