seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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