I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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