It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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