Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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