Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
They took my balls.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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