I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Please don't give away my fajitas
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