I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
