My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
