you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
