i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
