I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
