Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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