Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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