I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
