I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
