So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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