my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
