i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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