Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
