I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
as a side note pls kill me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
