When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize