My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
