All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you win again, gameday.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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