What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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