mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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