Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
