youre lurking in front of me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
