You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
