I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
