I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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