A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
