he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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