Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
