Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
