So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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