i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
