I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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