Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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