I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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